The Chopper Compendium

I just found out the ideal weight for a politician...

About 3 pounds, including the urn.

An old man and old woman were arguing all day, and decided to take a drive in the country to settle down.

Driving along, the old man sees a herd of mules and donkeys in a pasture.
He looks over at his wife and says "Relatives of yours?"

She sees the herd and says "Yep. In-laws."

Nice, i needed the laughs!

I told this joke yesterday to a friend who grew up in Oklahoma. For folks who may not know, for many years there has a been mostly friendly rivalry between Texans and Okies.
And jokes about Texas Aggies.

There was a Texas Aggie who was so dumb, he moved from Texas to Oklahoma.
When he did, the IQ of both states went up.

My dad told me that if a man owned Texas and Hell he should rent Texas out and live in Hell.
Dusty

Some folks were traveling thru Texas during the frontier days and happened upon an abandoned homestead.
A sign was in front.
It said 30 miles to timber, 20 miles to water, 1 inch to Hell.
Going to California.

Seen in a bar in Idaho:
A cowboy hat sitting on top of a pair of cowboy boots with a little sign that said

"Texan with the shit kicked outta him"

A blue whales anus can open up to 3.5 feet, making it the world's largest asshole next to Joe Biden.

An old man and woman were at church.
He leaned over and whispered in her ear, I've just had a silent fart, what should I do?

Put new batteries in your hearing aids.

Alec Baldwin is mandating shots at work.

When I was still married I told my wife I wanted to try anal sex.

She said she had been having sex with an asshole for years.

If your mechanic has one clean finger, he probably just had sex
Dusty

I found out how to stop 2 deaf people from arguing.


Turn out the lights!

An atheist decided to go hiking in the forest. After walking for an hour, he's in a secluded section, and suddenly sees a grizzly bear. Freaking out, he does exactly what you shouldn't do.
He starts running like hell! And the bear starts chasing him, yummy.

The atheist stumbles, falls, and when he rolls onto his back, the bear is already raising a huge paw to strike.

The atheist screams, God help me!

Suddenly the bear freezes, and God says, all these years you've disavowed me and told everyone I don't exist.
Why should I help you now?

The atheist replied, You're right, and I was wrong, but it would be hypocritical of me to become a Christian now.
Can you at least make the bear a Christian?

God said, Very well.

The bear unfreezes, puts its paws together, and says, Oh Lord for this bountiful feast you have put before me, I give thanks.